Flying Gerbil

DarkUnderlord · Mar 19, 2002

This is a true story. Keep that in mind
Actual Article from the L.A. Times ! !

"In retrospect, lightning the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, " Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in "he explained." As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" , my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Editors note: The ten most scary things about this story:
10. " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum.."

9. "So I peered into the tube.." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare into the sun).

8. That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I am just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken into the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4 "First and second degree burns to the anus", Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? Hoe does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic White men who insert rodents up their butts !"

2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.

Stolen by DarkUnderlord from here.

gamenut · Mar 19, 2002

That is sick, disturbing in too many ways to fit into this box, and disgusting.

rosenshyne · Mar 19, 2002

but funny. definitely funny.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA*falls off chair*

i have a question, though. did anyone think to ask what kind of condition the gerbil was in? and what kind of stories will he tell his grandchildren?

gamenut · Mar 19, 2002

That's a good question. If I was the gerbil, I would be traumatized by what was done to me. How would you feel if you were shoved up someone's butt? On top of that, you were shot out of it like a cannon.

rosenshyne · Mar 19, 2002

someone should answer these questions... inquiring minds want to know!!

kcwong · Mar 19, 2002

Tell me it's just a joke. A sick story made up by some really sick people.

While reading this a lot of neurons in my brain commit suicide. They'd rather die than to let such data pass through them.

Qilikatal · Mar 19, 2002

That is a sick and disgusting story.....There are not really people like that is there?
Hmmm anyone of you been at Darwinawards?

Kozmo_Naut · Mar 19, 2002

Tomaszewski: "Let me get my cardboard tube..."

Kiki: "Hurry up!"

*THUMB*

Tomaszewski: "There ya go! Get ready for big ol' Raggot!"

Kiki: "I can hardly wait... I just LOVE all that fur!"

Tomaszewski: "In ya go!"

Raggot: "Wheeeee!!!"

Kiki: "No wait! AAAAAAHHHH! DAMN it hurts! Get it out! Get it out! ARMAGEDDON!!!"

Tomaszewski: "I can't seem to grab hold of him. Perhaps he'll come out if I light this match..."

*KA-BOOM*

Tomaszewski: "FUCK!"

*KA-BOOOOOOOM*

*WOOSH*

Raggot: Wa-HOOOOOOO!

*THUD*

Tomaszewski: "FUCK, that hurt!!!"

Kiki: "You think that hurts? I'm the one who got his asshole fried!!!"

:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

_________________

You think your site is tough? Try The T'inator!!!
"My diarrhea puts up more of a fight than you do!!!"

[ This Message was edited by: Kozmo_Naut on 2002-03-19 04:15 ]

slagger21 · Mar 19, 2002

HAha ! ! :lol: :lol: :lol:

That was wrong ! Just sick and wrong !

Kozmo_Naut · Mar 19, 2002

I do my best... 0

Jinxed · Mar 19, 2002

That's not the first time I heared of such a "gerbil" related accident. This one is much more funny.

bryant1380 · Mar 19, 2002

I prefer hamsters.

Kozmo_Naut · Mar 19, 2002

http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/gerbill.html

Check out their main site as well. They have a lot of gerbil movies...

EDIT: This one is even better: http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/gift.html

_________________

"My diarrhea puts up more of a fight than you do!"

[ This Message was edited by: Kozmo_Naut on 2002-03-19 08:47 ]

[ This Message was edited by: Kozmo_Naut on 2002-03-19 08:48 ]

ThreeDogs · Mar 19, 2002

So this was not the first time that poor furry bastard had been shoved up someone's ass? Poor little guy, if he flys 24 missions does he get to go home?

[ This Message was edited by: ThreeDogs on 2002-03-19 09:37 ]

Aragoth · Mar 19, 2002

LMFAO

Now that's comedy :grin:

Poor gerbil... rofl :grin:

rosenshyne · Mar 19, 2002

we must thank kozmo for the lovely sound effects...

Milo · Mar 19, 2002

gamenut · Mar 19, 2002

Perfect picture of what happened. The end of the world is coming and then gerbils will rain from the sky.

DarkUnderlord · Mar 19, 2002

<-- 'nuff said.

Milo · Mar 20, 2002

The gerbils supposed to look like it's flying not falling. Let me try that again.

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