Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once recieved a lap-dance at a popular strip club.
There were no survivors.

 

1. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
2. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
3. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
4. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
5. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
6. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
7. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
8. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
9. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
10. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
11. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
12. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
13. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
14. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
15. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
16. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.

 

When Chuck Norris farts, several hundred species go extinct. Dinosaurs were around the last time Chuck Norris farted, let’s not hope he farts again.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once wrestled four bears at one time with his bare hands. why? because they asked for his autograph

Many don’t know this, but Peter Jackson is coming out with a sequel to “King Kongâ€￾ known as “Chuck Norrisâ€￾. He’s currently having trouble finding other cast members.

Chuck Norris round house kicked a little kid in the face for asking directions.

Chuck Norris aerates his lawn with chinese stars!

Chuck Norris refers to sex as core training.

Portraits close their eyes when Chuck Norris looks at them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.

Chuck Norris is the only thing a black hole can’t suck in.

Chuck Norris could have found the WMDs.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Mr T. at the exact moment Mr. T. punched him in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell that Chuck Norris.

When someone sneezes, Chuck Norris doesn’t say ‘God bless you’, he says roundhouse kick to the face, bitch.*

A mother once came up to Chuck Norris with her sick baby, asking him to make her child healthy. Chuck Norris proceded to karate chop the baby to the throat, killing it instantly. He then impregnated the mother; The mother gave birth 2 days later… to a healthy child named Vin Diesel.

Chuck Norris once raised the Titanic……He then proceeded to roundhouse kick it back to the bottom of the ocean!

Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

There is no such thing as a hurricane, it’s just Chuck Norris sneezing.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, hes stares them down until they give him the information.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.â€￾

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris poops the toilet flushes for him.

There was no adam and eve.. there was Chuck and Norris.

Chuck Norris once killed a man…with his ass cheeks.

Cocaine is Chuck Norris’ dandruff.

It’s a little known fact that Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms.

Chuck Norris has had sex with the statue of liberty - twice.

Chuck Norris invented my space to find people he hasn't round house kicked in the face yet.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!â€￾ The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!â€￾ and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!â€￾ Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris is biologically his own father.

Once, someone called Chuck Norris a bad actor. Once.

*(My favorite)

 

Don't we all know these by heart now anyway?

 

There's no need for such coments, Vyenna dear. The legend och Chuck Norris needs to be retold again and again, until you and everyone else knows this by hearth.

 

Chuck Norris round-house kicked Vyenna to the face for attempting to prematurely douse the fire in a thread about him.

Chuck Norris invented the Internet. In 1764. But he roundhouse kicked it and it wasn’t re-invented for over two centuries.

Chuck Norris does not use remote controls. He simply stares at his TV.

Fire was created by Chuck Norris. So that he could burn down the house of the only other person to ATTEMPT a Norris roundhouse kick.

Mama Cass did not choke on her own vomit. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her in the throat.

Mountain Dew is actually the urine of Chuck Norris. Diluted to 1%.

Hair from Chuck Norris’ beard will replace the ceramic heat-shield tiles on the next generation of space shuttles.

Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked a roundhouse kick. The result was Bruce Lee.

Chuck Norris once stopped a speeding train with his left testicle.

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay for anything. Instead, he hands cashiers a note that says “I’ll kill your children and use their corpses as ventriloquist dolls.â€￾

Chuck Norris likes to knit blankets in his spare time and by knit i mean “kickâ€￾ and by blankets i mean “babiesâ€￾.

The leading cause of death in the U.S. is Chuck Norris.

By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.

If you are alive, it's because Chuck Norris doesn't want you dead.

The TV executives responsible for canceling “Walker: Texas Rangerâ€￾ suffered a fate so unimaginable, I cannot tell you about it or you may implode.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked the deputy in the face, shattering his spine.

Chuck Norris once walked in front of a mirror and saw his one reflection. He shouted:â€￾no one out stares the CHUCKâ€￾. Chuck Norris is still staring.

Never believe someone who says “now I’ve seen everything,â€￾ because they haven’t seen a roundhouse to their face from Chuck Norris. If they had, they would be crippled or dead.

Chuck Liddell challenged Chuck Norris to a deathmatch to show the world once and for all who was the Alpha Chuck. The match lasted 8 seconds, and consisted of one uncontested roundhouse kick. 43 minutes later and 100 miles away, Liddell’s head smashed through the window of his girlfriend’s house and landed on her dinner plate with Chuck Norris’s phone number carved into his forehead. She called.

All black people allow Chuck Norris to call them nigga.

 

Chuck Norris needs a napalm enema.

 

I smell a round house kick to the face coming.

 

If he's lucky, Chuck'll take pity on him. If not... then he'd already be dead.

 

Im telling you guys, Mr T woud kick Chucks ass.

 

Thing is, they can't be in the same place at the same time. Both time and space would collapse around them due to the level of awesomeness.

And they're quite equal, yes.

 

If Wolfsbane distributes his ninja-spiders by lumps to his customers, then surely he must have something as powerful as Christopher Walken to sell your opponent, so be careful

 

Except a cat. Cats are... beyond staring. They impale you with their stare.


If a cat wants to win a stare-duell, it will. There's no question to it. It just... will.

 

Then you should add autocloning teleportating cat, and Walken would have unsolvable problem of just hitting them.

 

That's stupid, I've out-stared lots of cats.