"True Lies"

I do have some interesting stories about my time in the Navy, but I refuse to share them.

P.S. Stuff like this tend to be very large shit-bombs in a flame war (Pun intended) and I personally do not want to re-live my most embarassing moments every time someone gets peeved with me.

 

I demand more embarrassing stories! You guys are holding out on me!

Do it for me...come on...Be my little story teller for me, baby.

:winknudge:

*waits patiently for more humiliating tales*

 

*sigh*

How could I resist a request like that?

Okay, okay, I'll give some serious thought to picking out one of the great string of humiliations that comprise my life...

 

HEEEEEEEHAAAAAAWWWW

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

BTW, Windy, you should check this out.

 

Oh. That's not right.

 

Yup, I saw that one already (from the "Like Pie" thread). Very remeniscent, to say the least.

I can only hope that I, too, shall go down in the annals of "Perverted Phonesex History" as "A nice piece of ass." :lol:

Thanks, Vlad, for that refreshing visual.

 

Now you know why I refuse to post any stories in this thread.

Plus, in most of my embarrassing stories I was usually doing something illegal. Some of which the statute of limitations has not yet expired.

 

OK so my only question is:

What did you do to piss the retard off??? I meant did he just take a look at you and go crazy or what? Sorry for not being into shit as much as others seem to be but I find this part of your story to be the most interesting

 

Milo, I'll take a sig pic from Kung Pow. All I've seen are the previews and my wife won't let me rent it. I think it'll be hilarious... Maybe a shot of the cow's face when it gets kicked, with it's tounge hanging out or something....

Also, Darkskywalker, sorry bout the hijack....I'll post an embarrasing story here about myself, and I'll throw in one about my cousin later.

 

Ooh! Ooh! Me, me! I know. Is it that bit in Austin Powers where Fat Bastard says "Ah goot a tewtle haad pewkin oot thet could chewk a dewnkay?"

 

Well, you got the fat bastard part right anyway.

 

These sotries are great. Compared to them I can't actually think of anything embarassing happening throughout my whole life. I mean, I can't actually consider it embarassing any longer that I hit a passerby with a snowball while aiming at a friend.

 

Ok, darkwalker, as promised, here's my embarrassing story. I'll tell the one about myself first, save the "my cousin got humped by my dog" story later.

I was eating at a pretty snazzy restaraunt with my dad and my grandpa. We were on a business trip for our family-owned company, and it was during the summer, I was off from school, so I went with them. When we were seated at our table, I looked at the menu, didn't know what half of the food listed on it was, so I ordered something safe. Spaghetti. Little did I know that I would come to regret this.

We talked casually until our food arrived. The waiter sat a hot steaming pile of noodles smothered in spaghetti sauce in front of me. I noticed, as I put my fork in the pile, and tried to lift up the noodles, that the noodles were long. Extremely long. I have never eaten spaghetti before and since in which the noodles were 2 feet long. (Remember this. It's about to come into play...)

So there we were, eating away, when I felt one of those noodles kinda go down the ol' pipe a little wrong... I kinda grunted, grimaced, and swallowed hard to no avail. At that moment, the end of the noodle that was in my throat somehow decided to go down my windpipe instead. Have you ever had anything solid in your windpipe? It tickles like a mutherfucker. I immediately began hocking, trying to get this foreign object outta my windpipe. I stood up suddenly, knocking my plate of spaghetti on the floor. Heads started turning. My dad and grandpa were frozen. There I stood, going like this: "Haaaahhhhhcckk... It...HAAAHHCCKK......TI-ICKLES... HAAOOOCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! Then, I started gagging. After every Haachhhkk, I would gag. You know those gags, where you get all ugly in the face....

All of a sudden I realized that the other end of the furking noodle was hanging like a foot outta my mouth. So everyone in the restaraunt was looking at this skinny red-headed kid standing in the middle of the floor, holding his throat, making all kinds of god-awful noises, and had a face that was locked in an eternal gag. I reached up, grabbed the end of the noodle, and pulled. This was the worst part. It TICKLED. I dropped the noodle on the floor unceremoniously. All the restaraunt patrons looked like deer, frozen in the headlights. I plopped down in my chair. My dad and grandpa, after seeing I was alright, started to grin. Then they started to chuckle. Pretty soon they were holding their sides, trying to contain themselves. My dad, the loving, concerned parent that he is, told me, "Damn, son, I've never seen somebody's face look like a puckered tailhole.."

Then the waiter brought me another plate of spaghetti. Like I was gonna eat that shit.[/b]

 

You know I've been thinking about this and it's kinda scary aranoid:

Retard that was a good read :razz:

 

You're a ginger? That is embarrassing!


(that's for the fat crack) :razz:

 

Ouch. That was worse than the fat crack..... I KNEW I shoulda left out that red-headed part.....

 

Good story retard, I think the only thing that could have made it worse than it was, would have been if you were on a first or blind date with a real hottie.

 

Well you see, I'm small, and people love picking on me for some reason, this retard included, anyways, he was trying to attack me, so I bitched slapped him, I though it would be funny and stuff and when he grabbed my neck I thought he was just messing around untill it was too late, and I'm not really a fighting type, you see, so I don't want to fight back, I don't know why though...I just let people pick on me, cause I don't really care.

Rememeber my saying "My fists are stronger then my words," well, that is not true =)

 

WOW now that's weird I was short back in my school days also but I had a temper so I didn't mind (although most of the time I was really just scared as shit and was trying to survive they called it a temper....) But I soon found that big guys that pick on small guys do so cause they really can't fight either so they go for easy prey.

Thanks to me and a bud of mine Larry Delman (who was even shorter then I was) High school bullies soon learned that unless you can really fight don't mess with no one shorter then you. You see we short guys really have the advantage cause we can start from the bottom and work our way up. :wink:

Once I learned to stop giving them the first punch :boxing: (Stupid ass TV says it's the gentlemanly thing to do FUCK THAT this is life or death here!) I was a holy terror :evil:

Here's a hint for you, it's my opening move and it has never failed me yet (I just used it in a bar about 3 years ago as a matter of fact). If you feel that you are in danger before the guy attacks you go straight for his NECK, don't punch him grab him by it (with ONE hand you'll need the other one for punching if he is stupid enough to act up after this).
He won't expect it and then he THINKS that he is choking to death (which he very well could be depending on how evil you wanna be :nod: ) Keep the pressure there and watch the punk drop like a rock then you yell at him at the top of your voice while still gripping him "STAY DOWN and give up or I'll Choke the HELL out of you!" (this will scar the shit out of them and makes them think about dieing and how stupid they were for fucking with you)

If they don't cave after that (90% will cause they really don't know how to fight anyway and they're now scared as shit) Increased pressure or a few quick blows to the face with your other hand while holding them down will make them give :hump:

P.S. If you are really short like Larry was, Hell all's fair when cornered kick them in the nuts and as soon as they fall keep kicking them hard in the ribs if you think you've got them, in the head if it looks like their getting up for more, trust me they'll cave. If they grab your leg don't panic remember they are on the ground gravity is on YOUR side. Kick (or knee) them in the face as you go down and then go for the neck again as soon as you can..... _

Back in my day although I didn't like to fight I never avoided one mainly cause back then we all knew that guys didn't fight to kill (only girls did that and who'd fight a girl except another girl?) I don't know about nowadays but either way knowing what to do in a pinch can only help you. You want them to say THEY give so you can look cool when you do. You don't want too have to be the one asking for them to give cause nowadays maybe they won't